The Importance of Being Earnest

by Oscar Wilde

First Act

Third Part

Scene. Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is
luxuriously and artistically furnished. Algernon and Earnest await their
visitors.
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(Enter Lane.)

Lane. Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.

(Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and Gwendolen.)

Lady Bracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very
well.

Algernon. I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.

Lady Bracknell. That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things
rarely go together. (Sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness.)

Algernon. (To Gwendolen.) Dear me, you are smart!

Gwendolen. I am always smart! Aren't I, Mr. Worthing?

Jack. You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.

Gwendolen. Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for
developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.

(Gwendolen and Jack sit down together in the corner.)

Lady Bracknell. I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was
obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor
husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty
years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice
cucumber sandwiches you promised me.

Algernon. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. (Goes over to tea-table.)

Lady Bracknell. Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen?

Gwendolen. Thanks, Mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am.

Algernon. (Picking up empty plate in horror.) Good heavens! Lane! Why are
there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.

Lane. (Gravely.) There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I
went down twice.

Algernon. No cucumbers!

Lane. No, sir. Note even for ready money.

Algernon. That will do, Lane, thank you.

Lane. Thank you, sir.

Algernon. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no
cucumbers, not even for ready money.

Lady Bracknell. It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets
with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.

Algernon. I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Lady Bracknell. It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of
course, cannot say. (Algernon crosses and hands tea.) Thank you. I've quite
a treat for you tonight, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary
Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It's
delightful to watch them.

Algernon. I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure
of dining with you tonight after all.

Lady Bracknell. (Frowning.) I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table
completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is
accustomed to that.

Algernon. It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible
disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say
that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. (Exchanges glances with
Jack.) They seem to think I should be with him.

Lady Bracknell. It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from
curiously bad health.

Algernon. Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.

Lady Bracknell. Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time
that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die.
This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way
approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness
of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the
primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he
never seems to take much notice ... as far as any improvement in his
ailments goes. I should be obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me,
to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to
arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and one wants something
that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season
when everyone has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most
cases, was probably not much.

Algernon. I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious,
and I think I can promise you he'll be all right by Saturday. Of course the
music is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, people don't
listen, and if one plays bad music, people don't talk. But I'll run over
the programme I've drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room
for a moment.

Lady Bracknell. Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. (Rising,
and following Algernon.) I'm sure the programme will be delightful, after a
few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem
to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar,
or laugh, which is worse. But German sounds a thoroughly respectable
language, and indeed, I believe it is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany me.

Gwendolen. Certainly, Mamma.

(Lady Bracknell and Algernon go into the music-room, Gwendolen remains
behind.)

Jack. Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.

   * Next: Act I, Part 4

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The Scenes of the Play

   * Act I: Algernon Moncrieff's Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.
        o Part 1
        o Part 2
        o Part 4
        o Part 5
        o Part 6
        o Part 7
   * Act II: The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.
   * Act III: Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton

Transcription and organization by Jerry Stratton, for FireBlade
Coffeehouse. If you have any comments or questions, please let us know!
Jerry
jerry@acusd.edu
